


Magnum P.I.

by LaDragonaria



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Condoms, Friendship, Implied Relationships, Male Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 00:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaDragonaria/pseuds/LaDragonaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is in an imminent sexual situation and, being the awkward virgin that he is, has no idea how to go about getting condoms or what size to get. Rather than asking Scott, he calls Danny. Because you don't talk to your best friend about what your penis is up to or who it's going to be in. And Danny's smart, right? Good plan?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Magnum P.I.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the gifsets of Tumblr. What a nice place for a gifset.

Stiles fumbled around on the internet looking for instructions, though the internet was notoriously unreliable.

Typing in Google: "How big a condom do you wear if your dick is"

Seeing the first result was: "How big do you have to be to wear a condom?" was disheartening.

"Uh, duh. Any size. Geez. There are some dumb people about to get girls pregnant with their tiny..." He looked down. "What do I do? Do I... measure? Is that a thing that you do?"

He wasn't sure how he could discretely scramble around the house for a tape measure. If his dad caught him, the only lie he could think of would be to say he broke something and needed the tape measure. His dad would probably frown at him. Almost audibly. 

"Okay. No. Uh. Do I have a ruler?" 

One would assume so given that he had Geometry that semester but... he'd left his Geometry things in his locker. Which was bad, because he was pretty sure there was homework.

"Okay. Not important. I'll... I will... Scott would know?"

Ask Scott? Ask Scott what size condoms he used? Ask Scott about the times he was with Allison presumably everywhere, car, bedroom and her bedroom? There were certain things he didn't want to know in this world: what knotting was, if werewolves marked their territory, and what size penis entered Allison. It just occurred to him that he'd never be able to look Allison in the eyes. Not ever.

Who else did he know?

Derek? ...Yeah, bring up Derek's sexual past with the other Argent sister. Good idea. Maybe invest in a life insurance policy before that, though.

Isaac? ...No way Isaac wasn't a virgin. He didn't know that for sure, but he still had the Snow White smile to him.

Jackson was gone, though he would've just hung up on him.

That left Danny. 

Good old Danny. Less grumpy than Derek and more polite than Jackson. He wouldn't be happy about the call, but he wouldn't hang up either.

It took a few rings but the other end picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey! Danny, boy. It's... It's Stiles."

"Why do you still have my number?" He could practically hear Danny frowning over the phone. "I thought I told you to delete it."

"Oh. Well, I..." He paused. "Did not. Because what about lacrosse practice, right? What if you... or... yeah? Yeah?"

"Stiles, what do you want?"

"Don't be snippy."

"..."

"Okay, so, listen. Hypothetically, if I were going to buy condoms for hypothetical sexy times with a hypothetical sex partner... what size would you think I should get?"

"...Stiles."

"What?"

"Just..." Danny was wrestling with the idea of hanging up, but didn't. "...What size are you?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I do not."

"Then figure it out!"

"Can't you... you know, estimate?"

"Estimate the length of something I've never seen and have no interest in seeing?"

"Yeah, you know. Sort of like how I estimate the length of things on math projects."

"Then why don't you just _estimate_ your own dick?"

"Because this is a precise matter, Danny. I can't just pray that the measurements are right. I'm... I'm like a sex architect, it has to fit in perfectly or it all crumbles!"

"A sex architect."

"Yeah, so, I mean... how would I measure it?"

"A ruler?"

"Can I go by like... how big my hand is? Because I mean if I put it in my hands-"

"I'm hanging up."

"Wait, Danny! Come on! Bro. Danny boy. The pipes, the pipes will keep on calling, Danny boy."

"...I'm really hanging up now."

"Just... okay. Well, like... isn't there a one-size-fits-all kind of deal?"

"..."

"Danny?"

"I'm thinking."

"And?"

"And I'm still thinking!" Danny rolled his eyes over the phone. "Just... get a thing of Magnums."

"Wow. Magnum. You... think I'm big enough for a Magnum? You been checkin' me out because I-"

"Magnums are pretty much designed to fit all men."

"Wait, what?"

"They do it because it's an ego boost. You show up with a Magnum and they assume... Well, it's pretty much the only one-size-fits-all one I can think of."

"Wow." Stiles smirked but felt inclined to ask. "So why do you know that?"

"Because I'm gay."

"And?"

"And I have sex with men. And we're not all the same size but when two people show up with Magnums you learn things."

"Huh. So you both showed up with Magnums? How did you decide which one was gonna... you know? Did your tongues battle for dominance like in the fanfics or did you wrestle for it? Was there oil involved?"

What followed was a deep sigh and silence.

"..."

"Danny?"

"..."

"Danny boy?"

"I'm hanging up now. Get an extra pack for the other guy, and try not to cry the first time." He hung up.

"Danny?" Stiles dumbly talked into the phone. "Danny? Did you hang up? Come on, man that's not fair. Were you calling me gay or were you complimenting me by saying I'm attractive to gay guys? I don't get it, Danny. I don't." 

Stiles hung up.

He paused for a minute.

"Yeah, I'm Magnum P.I., no big deal..." Stiles was back to aiming at imaginary targets though he quickly thought of other things he could aim with.

**Author's Note:**

> Magnum P.I. probably stands for Magnum Penis Inspector at this point.


End file.
